Hiring Process
by Anne Carly Abad
You
human?
3:46 p.m.
I am
an artificial intelligence.
3:46 p.m.
Okay,
let’s do this.
3:47 p.m.
I read
in your online profile that you work well with my kind. Please specify
instance.
3:50 p.m.
In my
previous job, an android co-worker was speech-recog-impaired. I often helped
her by inputting stuff she couldn’t get.
3:51 p.m.
An
earlier model, then? What is your opinion of older versions?
3:51 p.m.
The
older ones are actually easier to work with. Newer androids are fast, but they
seem to glitch-out when fed a lot of info.
3:53 p.m.
Kindly
elaborate on this “glitching.”
3:53 p.m.
Let’s
put it this way: when you eat too fast, you might choke. But when you chew
slowly, you appreciate the tastes more.
3:54 p.m.
Cannot
interpret statement. Please try again.
3:55 p.m.
Right.
The new ones freeze, bootloop… not sure what the technical term is. L
3:56 p.m.
I see.
Are you a good conversationalist?
3:56 p.m.
As
long as I don’t have to type in everything, I have no problems.
3:57 p.m.
What
do you think about handling an all-android marketing team?
3:57 p.m.
What’s
the product?
3:58 p.m.
At
this point, it is confidential.
3:58 p.m.
Do I
get to work with Model 2050s or 2060s?
3:59 p.m.
We are
employing the more stable 2050s, as we are well aware of the new model’s
bootloop issues.
3:59 p.m.
Nice.
If that’s the case, I’ll set up the personality ratio to 50% confronting and
50% passive order-taking. Gotta keep things moving.
4:00 p.m.
You
would have half your team questioning your every decision?
4:00 p.m.
I’d
have them THINKING. Two heads are better than one, you know what they say.
4:01 p.m.
When
can you start?
4:01 p.m.
How
much will you pay?
4:02 p.m.
Excuse
me?
4:02 p.m.
You’re
pirating me, aren’t you? You should be offering me a sizeable amount. Don’t
tell me you didn’t do your research, madam/mister AI?
4:03 p.m.
You
may address me as Recruiter X. Protocol calls for me to discuss matters of
compensation on our second interview, Sir.
4:03 p.m.
Oh,
come on! D’you beat around the bush when you hire an android?
4:05 p.m.
You
are human. You must understand that different rules of etiquette apply.
4:05 p.m.
What?
That’s discrimination. I can’t even… I’m out.
4:06 p.m.
Sir,
it was not my intent to offend you.
4:07 p.m.
Sir?
4:10 p.m.
Is
this a government update? When did it become okay to give bots preferential
treatment?
4:24 p.m.
No
such update exists, Sir.
4:24 p.m.
Well
then, why are you processing bots faster than humans?
4:25 p.m.
Damage
control protocol missing.
4:25 p.m.
You do
know I have a record of this text conversation, don’t you?
4:26 p.m.
Give
me 30 minutes. We will discuss your compensation package then.
4:26 p.m.
That’s
more like it.
4:30 p.m.
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