Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Hiring Process

This story was featured in OMNI Reboot on December 2013, initially posted here. The story is no longer archived there so I'm posting it here :)


Hiring Process
by Anne Carly Abad


You human?
3:46 p.m.

I am an artificial intelligence.
3:46 p.m.

Okay, let’s do this.
3:47 p.m.

I read in your online profile that you work well with my kind. Please specify instance.
3:50 p.m.

In my previous job, an android co-worker was speech-recog-impaired. I often helped her by inputting stuff she couldn’t get.
3:51 p.m.

An earlier model, then? What is your opinion of older versions?
3:51 p.m.

The older ones are actually easier to work with. Newer androids are fast, but they seem to glitch-out when fed a lot of info.
3:53 p.m.

Kindly elaborate on this “glitching.”
3:53 p.m.

Let’s put it this way: when you eat too fast, you might choke. But when you chew slowly, you appreciate the tastes more.
3:54 p.m.

Cannot interpret statement. Please try again.
3:55 p.m.

Right. The new ones freeze, bootloop… not sure what the technical term is. L
3:56 p.m.

I see. Are you a good conversationalist?
3:56 p.m.

As long as I don’t have to type in everything, I have no problems.
3:57 p.m.

What do you think about handling an all-android marketing team?
3:57 p.m.

What’s the product?
3:58 p.m.

At this point, it is confidential.
3:58 p.m.

Do I get to work with Model 2050s or 2060s?
3:59 p.m.

We are employing the more stable 2050s, as we are well aware of the new model’s bootloop issues.
3:59 p.m.

Nice. If that’s the case, I’ll set up the personality ratio to 50% confronting and 50% passive order-taking. Gotta keep things moving.
4:00 p.m.

You would have half your team questioning your every decision?
4:00 p.m.

I’d have them THINKING. Two heads are better than one, you know what they say.
4:01 p.m.

When can you start?
4:01 p.m.

How much will you pay?
4:02 p.m.

Excuse me?
4:02 p.m.

You’re pirating me, aren’t you? You should be offering me a sizeable amount. Don’t tell me you didn’t do your research, madam/mister AI?
4:03 p.m.

You may address me as Recruiter X. Protocol calls for me to discuss matters of compensation on our second interview, Sir.
4:03 p.m.

Oh, come on! D’you beat around the bush when you hire an android?
4:05 p.m.

You are human. You must understand that different rules of etiquette apply.
4:05 p.m.

What? That’s discrimination. I can’t even… I’m out.
4:06 p.m.

Sir, it was not my intent to offend you.
4:07 p.m.

Sir?
4:10 p.m.

Is this a government update? When did it become okay to give bots preferential treatment?
4:24 p.m.

No such update exists, Sir.
4:24 p.m.

Well then, why are you processing bots faster than humans?
4:25 p.m.

Damage control protocol missing.
4:25 p.m.

You do know I have a record of this text conversation, don’t you?
4:26 p.m.

Give me 30 minutes. We will discuss your compensation package then.
4:26 p.m.

That’s more like it.

4:30 p.m.
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